Attention getting 101: Call people “suckers”

If you scan Technorati long enough, you’ll find a really moronic diatribe or two. Sometimes I chock it up to jealousy. Sometimes it’s a matter of being uninformed. Sometimes it’s just platform bigotry, as is the case with Jim Louderback.

What’s your first move when you feel like picking on a platform you don’t have a real legitimate gripe with? You title your article “Boot Camp: Apple Bobs for Suckers”. That’s high end writing coming from PC Magazine’s Editor in Chief. When you can’t come up with provocative ideas, go for the provocative title.

I continue knocking down this ill-conceived rant in the extended section.

Don’t get too excited about the whole Mac/Windows dual-boot thing. Although a wide range of starry-eyed experts—including some in our very own lab—have lauded Boot Camp (aka BC) in tones not heard since the days of OS/2, it’s really nothing to get excited about. Here are my top reasons why—at least to real computer users—“Boot Chump” is a snore.

Oh good. He starts by bashing his own lab people and trying to discredit Boot Camp by calling it names, just like any elementary schoolyard. Well, he did substitute a word starting with the same letter. We can bump that up to early junior high.

The more effete among us have embraced BC because now they can run all their favorite Windows apps on a saucy, sexy Mac. The underlying assertion embraced here is that Apple machines are just so much cooler than their PC counterparts. Hogwash. There are dozens of better-looking notebooks out there than those tired, industrial-looking iBooks and PowerBooks that dribble out of Infinite Loop.

Do I really need to continue? He’s either being delusional or disingenuous. Then again, considering one meaning of “effete” is “effeminate”, maybe manly men like him don’t have the style to appreciate Apple’s hardware.

Some idiot wrote recently that “Apple now makes the fastest Windows machines on the planet.” What was I thinking? Now that the meds have worn off, let’s take a closer look at how fast these BC machines really are. Sure, they run a Photoshop benchmark test as fast as or faster than Windows dedicated machines. But throw in anything needing fast graphics and you’re SOL. The dual-core Mac mini uses shared memory for its anemic graphics, which will seriously eat into that default 512MB of RAM.

That’s perfect. Refer to Macs being faster in actual testing, then knock the lowest end machine in the lineup for using a graphics system common in PCs of the same class. That makes sense.

Remember the bad old days of OS/2 and Windows NT, and MIPS- and Alpha-based computers? Fanatics tried to push these supposedly better systems on everyone, touting power, capability, and destiny. It was all bunk, and each died from neglect. Neglect from a vast array of add-on hardware vendors that just didn’t have the time or inclination to write drivers for all those “other” platforms.

We’ve now passed that line in the community pool beyond which requires some level of skill. We’ve reached the deep end, as in, he’s gone off it. He begins by talking about various operating systems that weren’t the mainstream Windows release. The thing is though, with Boot Camp, we’re talking about real, honest to goodness Windows XP. This is fundamental to real understanding.

Sure, a Mac that runs Windows looks good on paper. But how do you know that that expensive scanner, graphics card, or sound device will actually work on a BC system? To be fair, USB and FireWire devices that work in Windows ought to work under BC. But what about add-in cards? That legacy SCSI adapter that you just can’t quit? Until we have an Intel-based Mac tower we have no clue what will work. But I predict that legacy hardware—and even some existing boards—will be difficult to run in both environments. Will the high-end video-digitizing Kona card work under Windows? What about M-Audio’s multichannel audio input cards? I’ll believe it when I see it.

Maybe someone in his lab should have explained this slowly to him. If the Intel Mac has the proper ports or slots, those devices will work. There’s nothing fancy to this. Apple doesn’t use special proxies for their hardware. They’re connected in the same way.

Got more faith? Go ahead, buy a dual-core Mac. And have fun upgrading it.

Oh, I will.

I don’t know about you, but when I buy a computer I want everything to work right. I have some confidence that peripherals and software will work on my PCs, because I either built them myself or bought them outright from a vendor who knows how to make Windows PCs. So what happens when that critical new part, new application, or new Web site fails to run?

Web site fails to run? Huh? We’re not talking about something hardware intense here. Let’s not get silly.

Who is going to help? Apple? Hardly. Last I checked, Boot Camp is unsupported. So you’re out of luck. And even when it ends up in OS X, it will probably receive marginal support at best. Don’t expect your garden-variety tech at the Mac store to help out, for instance.

So, he starts out talking about making his own machine (which comes with exactly zero tech support) and then derides Apple for not supporting a beta offering. Then he pretends to know how Apple will handle the support issue. And since when are any of those garden-variety of any real help?

Speaking of building computers, if you like building your own computers, you are out of luck again. Apple’s not interested in a DIY Mac, nor is it concerned with the case-mod culture of the PC. Oh, I guess that doesn’t matter; lemming-like Apple fans aren’t interested in actually doing anything different with their cookie-cutter computers that aspire to “Think Different” but, like that old Pete Seeger song about little boxes, “all look just the same.” The really creative computer users are the case modders who build extravagant designs to house their systems. And that’s just not possible if you aspire to run Windows and simultaneously “Think Different.”

Apple’s business model is centered around selling hardware. So no, DIY isn’t going to be an option. Never has been, won’t be (not for a long time). Oh, someone please clear this up for me, but I thought the really creative computer users were the ones that actually made something creative with the computer. I thought the point of computers was to make them do things.

And that leads me to the biggest reason of all to ignore this whole Windows and Macintosh mash-up. Apple’s not really known as the low-cost or value leader when it comes to computers. There’s a premium to pay for “Think Different” that has nothing to do with performance or capability. After you’ve already been overcharged for a Mac, you need to spend another hundred dollars or so buying Windows, just for the privilege of tainting the Apple core with Microsoft’s OS. You’ll probably need more memory, too. Is it really worth all that extra money? From where I sit, no—but a fool and his money have always been quickly parted.

Apple’s known for making quality computers that enable you to do things well and easily. They don’t do the commodity computer market. That market is all about razor thin margins and is a losing proposition, hence why we’ve seen so many low end computer manufacturers come and go. The real money is elsewhere, something even Dell recognized when it bought Alienware. And again, I like the name calling. Extra points for using a common phrase. Jim’s just reached late junior high.

All of this leaves me with just one thing to say: Would you buy a Windows computer from this man? This is a guy who has been ripped off by Microsoft for 20 years: Do you think he’s about to just up and join the enemy? I doubt it. “Boot Chump” is just a Trojan horse, designed to get Windows users (aka chumps) to sample Macintosh hardware. Once you’ve laid out a few kilobucks on your BC system and been frustrated a few times with Windows limitations, what are you going to do? Jobs’s bet: You’ll start spending more and more time in OS X, until you—too—become one of the pod people.

Given the number of unprompted testimonials by Windows PC users looking to try OS X and all the great tools while being able to use all their old software, I think Steve is tapping into a huge untapped market. It’s simple. Apple doesn’t infer that Windows users are chumps (though Jim has shown he would say it right away). Also, I seem to remember reading something about a Mac mini. How did we go from talking about a $599 Mac to a several thousand dollar one? I suppose we can just use whatever is convenient to the rant.

It’s sad to see so many of my compatriots being turned into lemmings. Perhaps they’ll wake up and smell the Apple pie in the sky—and realize they’ve been taken for a ride. But I doubt it. Because I’m a firm believer that once you start using a Mac, your IQ begins to creep downwards, inversely proportional to an increase in your AAF (Apple Acceptance Factor).

After wading through all those lame arguments, we finally get to the real reason Louderback wrote this. Mac users are just stupid. Maybe he’s trying to hide this motivation with a useless acronym. If he’s going to use one, couldn’t he just use the established RDF (Reality Distortion Field)? Psst, Jim, you’re being really unoriginal.

In fact, I’m blaming the AAF for a wide-range of habits espoused by supposedly “creative people.” I’ll bet it’s responsible for tattoos, piercings, and the wide-spread adoption of the phrase “no worries.” In fact, I believe that most of today’s societal ills can be either indirectly or directly attributed to Apple. Widespread hearing loss? Blame the iPod. Carpal tunnel? Blame the Newton. Upswing in hernias? That Infinite Loop idiot who decided to put a handle on the first iMac—and started the whole luggable trend. No, Boot Camp is just the latest diabolical piece of Steve Jobs’s grand plan to dumb us down and mangle our bodies. It’s no coincidence that all this is happening just as Jobs has taken over as the head of Disney (which also owns ABC). Pretty soon we’ll be good for nothing but sitting on our butts and watching TV. So go ahead and Boot Camp if you must. But don’t come running to me when your mind and body prematurely degenerate. I’ll be smart, fit, and enjoying my real Windows computers, while you ooze slowly into the Pixar-Disney-ABC swamp of mindlessness. Chump.

Ok, the end here just drifts off into a completely bizarre series of conspiracy theories, making me think either Jim is losing his sanity or he’s putting us on. Considering all his arguments up until the end are at least somewhat plausible, I don’t think it’s the latter.

Maybe I just have my standards set to high when I expect the editor of a magazine to not resort to childish name calling.