We should have seen this one coming, but when Jobs said this morning that he had a “surprising announcement” coming later in the day, we figured it had something to with Apple releasing an iJetpack or something. But with all the talk in recent months over what Apple would do if Steve Jobs were to step down, it’s only logical that he would have to anoint some sort of successor to reassure shareholders.
But former Crazy Apple Rumors Site editor-in-chief John Moltz? I mean, I guess it makes sense: Moltz has been conspicuously absent from the Mac community since shutting down CARS earlier this year. In a statement, Steve spoke of Moltz’s fitness to lead:
“Nobody knows Apple like John,” said Steve Jobs, Apple’s CEO. “He has an intuitive grasp of the company’s culture and purpose, and the board and I think he’ll make a fantastic CEO to lead Apple into the next era of its life. You can see the dedication, the passion in his eyes.”Schiller then muttered something under his breath which sounded vaguely like “Thank god.”“At least, I hope that’s what it is.”
“There’s just nobody…even remotely like John Moltz,” said Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior vice president of Worldwide Product Marketing. “Nobody. In the history of the whole world.”
Apple PR denied allegations that Moltz’s ascension to heir apparent was the result of any sort of sensitive information that the former blogger had acquired about elite $4,000/hour escort services and Apple’s board of directors.
For his part, Moltz declared that his first move as CEO would be to reinstitute Apple’s long dormant sexbot program. He also announced his intended moves for Apple’s executive leadership: Schiller will be staying on, but Moltz plans to appoint productivity guru Merlin Mann as Vice President of Making Backpacks out of Mac SEs, and Macworld Senior Editor Chris Breen’s Hair as Chief Bouffant. Daring Fireball proprietor John Gruber will replace the entire public relations department, which will now respond to any complaints with non-sequitur comments about the Yankees and/or Stanley Kubrick, and will make public a list of notable “Jackasses.”
We here at MacUser offer our full support to the incoming El Moltzo leadership and have already sold all of our Apple stock.
JOKE!
...and I, for one, welcome our new Moltzing overlord.
Really. Nobody would be a better CEO than John. Absolutely Nobody.
I can recommend John with no qualifications whatsoever.
John Moltz was going to be my write-in candidate for something. I mean, this is an election year.
Dang.