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August 6, 2007

speculation

Dan’s predictions: get ready for Mac’s best friend

Posted Aug. 6, ’07, 12:53 PM PT by Dan Moren
Category | Apple » Speculation

AniMacWhen, it comes to tomorrow’s special Mac-related Apple event, the whispers I’m hearing are pretty consistent.

Consistently boring, that is.

Everybody’s all excited about an aluminum iMac with a matching keyboard. Blech, I say. Aluminum schlaluminum: how 2005. This is Apple we’re talking about, people, not Reynolds. It’s time to move onward and upward to the next big thing. I know the iPod and the iPhone have been successes, but Steve Jobs isn’t content to retread the same old ground; he needs to innovate. That’s why nobody—nobody—is expecting what he has up his sleeves tomorrow.

Say hello to the AniMac. That’s right: Animals and Macs combined in one technologically-advanced adorable package.

Were you expecting that? I don’t think so. Conventional wisdom may tell us that genetically splicing together animals and computers is a recipe for extremely cute disaster but Steve Jobs has made history by consistently presiding over the defenestration of conventional wisdom. We’ve got a full transcript of the remarks that Jobs has prepared for tomorrow’s show, so follow along below for selected excerpts.

“Meet the first Mac that you’ll want to hug,” Steve Jobs is set to proclaim, while gently petting a KoalaMac mini. “We’ve long known that Mac users have an emotional attachment to their computers and we want to reward them for that affection by giving them a Mac that can show its love back—just watch out for those teeth!”

Sources say we can expect a full refresh of Apple’s product ecosystem, with each model replaced by a corresponding AniMac, designed to suit that model’s particular needs. The KoalaMac mini will improve on its predecessor’s design by featuring simple upgradeability via an innovative pouch. And the eight-armed professional-oriented OctoMac will replace the Mac Pro, ushering in a new era of multi-arm computing. “Eight arms, eight tasks, bundled with a revolutionary liquid-cooling system.” Apple will also roll out the CatBook, CatBook Pro, and the PenguiMac. “We’ve seen the numbers; people love our Antarctic friends, and the PenguiMac offers unparalleled performance per fish. Plus, it can dual boot Linux right out of the box.” Pricing across the line will be commensurate with current offerings.

Each AniMac is totally unique, so there’s no chance of confusing it with your friends’ and they’ll be accompanied with a pamphlet explaining proper care and feeding of your model, which varies across the product lines. The KoalaMac mini, for example, will require periodic infusions of eucalyptus, which Apple will offer for just $99 a year, a choice that will no doubt have some Mac faithful up in arms, until they realize just how precious their new computer is.

“And with the AniMac line, we’ve taken our most vocal critics’ comments to heart and put a special focus on security. AniMacs have a fivefold authentication system that uses touch, sight, sound, smell, and taste to determine whether you’re an authorized user or not. You don’t have to worry about someone else getting access to your files, unless of course they bribe your CatBook with a saucer of cream.”

Every AniMac will ship with the final version of Leopard. For those worried about moving their data from their existing machines, Jobs will unveil a brand new data migration system that makes it easier than ever: “Just point your AniMac to the south and they’ll take care of the rest.”

“We’ve been working on the AniMac project for ten years now, ever since my return to Apple. We were a little worried that the project was sunk when it first leaked that we had a project codenamed Cheetah, so we started putting OS X together to cover our tracks and, well, the cat names just stuck.”

With the project finally out in the open, it’s only a matter of time before rivals like Microsoft decide to try their hand at mimicking Apple’s bold move. Inside sources suggest that the company firm has attempted to create a pigeon-based computing platform, but it’s been plagued by repeated window crashes.

While the AniMac program may seem like a radical step to many, it also may act as an olive branch to several of Apple’s harshest critics. “We’ve been working closely with Greenpeace and we’re proud to announce that AniMacs will be the most environmentally friendly computers in the industry ever. Not only do they comply totally with laws restricting hazardous materials, they actually provide a beneficial part of the ecosystem.” And officials in several European countries that had taken hardline positions on the antitrust implications of Apple’s iTunes Store are expected to soften their stances upon the arrival of fuzzy new CatBooks.

“With the introduction of AniMacs,” Steve Jobs will proclaim in closing, “Apple has once again proved that we are at the forefront of technological innovation. We think the AniMacs are quite simply the best computers we’ve ever made, and we’re confident that our lolcats-loving userbase will agree wholeheartedly. Thank you for coming.”


8 Comments

Thomas GvL Author Profile Page said:

John Moltz, how did you get Dan's Movable Type credentials?

August 6, 2007 1:37 PM
Stephen Gageby said:

Dan: You have your head right __ ____ ___.

Animals, BA Hum Bug

August 6, 2007 1:43 PM
GruffPelt said:

Those who opt for the MacChicken will be few and far between, I think. I mean, who wants a computer that clucks and pecks at your digits — chicken fingers, indeed! — and the only way to get it to do anything quickly is to remove it's head — headless workstation, indeed!

Besides which, I think Apple might, once again, be dragged through the barnyard that is our legal system for copyright infringement. You know, by that big multi-national, multi-artery-clogging corporation whose name I...can't quite remember right now.

And come on, Apple, adopting "Millions and Millions of iPhones (and, umm, Macs, too) sold" as your new corporate motto? Cock-a-doodle-doo, my friend. Cock-a-doodle-doo.

August 6, 2007 2:33 PM
Evil Closet Monkey said:

I for one welcome our new AniMac overlords.

August 6, 2007 2:38 PM
Maddles said:

There is no way I'm paying $99 for eucalyptus leaves! It'll be a lot cheaper just throw my KoalaMac mini up a tree.

August 6, 2007 3:36 PM
Kelmon said:

I'd just like to throw this one out there as an example of where this could end up:

http://www.engadget.com/2007/04/13/compubeaver-case-mod-the-pc-stuffed-beaver/

August 6, 2007 11:20 PM
George said:

The CatBook sounds really sweet, but I'm not sure how good it would be to have my computer licking itself all the time. And really, I'd rather have my computer just crash instead of cough up a hairball.

And beyond that, I don't really want a computer that only comes around when it wants food or attention.

I guess I'll just have to settle for the PenguiMac...probably not very portable, but it might work if I toss a bag of ice and a couple frozen fish into the back seat.

August 7, 2007 6:40 AM
RObert said:

The author did not mention how far the ecological appeal of the new models goes. A recycling program has been established in partnership with the Mac Recycling Intelligence Bureau, Spa. (A.K.A. MacRIBS). The program is designed to make the most of all of the usable parts of your AniMac when it comes time to upgrade to the latest model.

August 7, 2007 9:54 AM

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