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January 8, 2007

speculation

Dan’s prediction? Expect the unexpected in tomorrow’s Stevenote

Posted Jan. 8, ’07, 8:06 AM PT by Dan Moren
Category | Apple » Speculation

CarnacPredictions, predictions. It’s the time of year that brings out the Carnac in everybody. And while my predictions for the showtime event and last year’s WWDC were just a wee bit off, I don’t find myself one bit discouraged. Why? Let’s just say that a little birdie from a fruitastic computer company has dropped a few choice worms into my, er, ear. Do I believe this source? Absolutely: they’ve pegged everything from what products will be announced to Steve Jobs’s celebrity guests.

Let’s start with the big question: will there be some sort of Apple-branded cell phone announced? According to my source, no. The Stevedialer 3000 is nothing more than an elaborate smokescreen to distract attention from the real revolutionary device that will be released: the iDoor Opener. I know, right? Nobody saw that coming.

The iDoor Opener may, at first blush, appear to be nothing more than your standard garage door opener, but it’s much more. So very much more. Operating over Bluetooth or Wi-Fi, the $249 iDoor Opener can not only open your garage door, but it can be configured to open every door in your house (of course, you’ll have to plunk down $99 on an iDoor Enabler kit for each door you want to control). The iDoor Opener will capitalize on the unique Click Wheel interface that made the iPod so easy to use. Simply spin the wheel to select the door you want to open then press the center button to open (closing is not yet supported, but they’re working on it for a future version). The Bluetooth and Wi-Fi capabilities mean you can open doors from pretty much anywhere you can access the Internet. Of course, should you wish to set up password-protected doors (the bathroom, or your bedroom), you can do so from your Mac. You can even pair individual iDoor Openers with different sets of doors, using an Access Control List. Word has it Steve will roll out a new advertising campaign to complement the tiny device headlined by the slogan “Opening doors…to the future.”

The iDoor Opener is hardly the only new development to come out of this year’s Expo though. It is, after all, Macworld, not iDoorworld. My source informs me that Apple has struck a deal with DreamWorks, the studio behind next summer’s childhood-destroying sure-to-be blockbuster hit, Transformers. To tie in with the movie’s premise (shapeshifting robots who crash to Earth and continue their long-running war), Apple will introduce a Transformers-themed Mac that will, with a series of extremely complicated maneuvers, turn from a computer into a truck. I should note that there is some suggestion that this product won’t actually be shipped at Macworld, since Apple is still ironing out quality assurance issues (apparently, small but integral pieces keep getting lost). But it will at least be demoed, as I’m told that Transformers director Michael Bay and Autobot leader Optimus Prime will join Steve on stage, where they will proceed, in true Michael Bay-style, to destroy half of San Francisco. The corresponding ad will be a riff on the “Get a Mac” campaign, featuring a spot where Justin Long and John Hodgman voice a pair of robots: “Hello, I’m an Autobot.” “And I’m a Decepticon.” “I’m peace-loving and friendly.” “While I would like nothing more than to exterminate the human race forever.”

And, of course, what Macworld Expo would be complete without One More Thing? The lights will dim, and Steve, illuminated by a single spotlight will announce that Apple has become so popular that they’ve decided to once again offer clones. But it’s not what you think. Say hello to iClone. The lights will come up slowly, revealing an entire army of Steve Jobses of different ages: from the hippie Steve of the early 70s to the bow-tied Steve of the 80s, to the grizzled Steve we all know and love today. Better yet, each keynote attendee will find a mini Steve Jobs under their seat for them to take home. Steve will cap off the super-long keynote by announcing his retirement from Apple, where he will be succeeded as CEO by…Steve Jobs. In fact, shareholders will never have to worry about a Jobs-less Apple again. Ever.

Now, as I said up top, I believe this source to be extremely credible. How trustworthy? Let me give you two words: Schill Philler. Eh? Eh? If in fact these predictions do not come to pass, I assure you that I will look very seriously into the matter. Just as soon as I get back from lying on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean. Enjoy the show.


3 Comments

Richard Neal said:

That iDoor Opener sounds pretty snazzy, but how about an iDoor Nano for windows?

January 8, 2007 10:15 AM
M. said:

Oh yeah, You're really funny...:s

January 8, 2007 9:39 PM
Dave said:

Superpowers! Notice how the omnipresent "Welcome to 2007" image resembles the "Heroes" logo? Apple is giving us all superpowers! Here's hoping mine doesn't suck. ("He has retractable nails that he can scratch you with.")

January 8, 2007 11:05 PM

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