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August 8, 2008

rivals

Money can’t buy you cool

Posted Aug. 8, ’08, 8:28 AM PT by Dan Moren
Category | Apple » Rivals

billgatesretirement.jpgBeing cool has one cardinal rule (or so I’ve heard, anyway), and that’s that you don’t try to be cool. It’s easy to pick out the guy in any room who’s trying too hard to be cool—chances are he’s wearing a white suit and a fedora. So do your friends a favor when they start eyeing the hat racks—just tell them no.

Got it, Microsoft? No. You can spend $300 million on a new “hip” ad agency in the form of Crispin Porter + Bogusky, but that’s not going to change the fact that you’re not James Dean—you’re Jimmy Dean. We’ve already seen what kinds of results you’ve pulled with your Mojave Experiment (moral: demos impress people!), and that kind of Microsophistry does nothing to help your image—it just makes you the rich, spoiled kid who tries to impress all his peers with his outrageous spending.

Look, I’ll be the first to admit I’ve never been a huge fan of the House that Gates Built, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: there’s nothing wrong with being Jimmy Dean. I mean, hey: he even made it into a Bond movie (a Connery Bond movie at that). You gotta be who you are, not who your rival is. The biggest, most powerful software company in the world isn’t going to get a lot of mileage out of trying to prove that they’re the underdog—you dig? Just be yourself—if that means selling sausages or being a giant megalithic corporation, well, then run with it (Billy G., at least, seemed to get that—witness his retirement video).

There. And, just so you know, it’ll only cost you a fraction of $300 million to retain my services. Keep it in mind.


8 Comments

Dave said:

Yeeeahh. That retirement video is about as funny as their operating systems.

August 8, 2008 8:44 AM
Jas said:

You just wanted an opportunity to break out "Microsophistry" didn't you?

August 8, 2008 9:22 AM
Dan Moren Author Profile Page said:

@Jas: Oh, man. You have no idea. I've been waiting like two years to work that into a post.

August 8, 2008 9:32 AM
Sean Coffee Author Profile Page said:

Speaking of that Mojave thing:

They never show the rest of the story, where the people take Vista home and try to make it work with their actual computer and printer and stuff.

Wonder why?

August 8, 2008 10:08 AM
Slothrop said:

As Tower of Power once said about being "hip":

"You went an' found you a guru.
In an effort to find you a new you,
And maybe even raise your conscious level.

While you're striving to find the right road,
There's one thing you should know,
"What's hip today, might become passe'."

August 8, 2008 10:34 AM
Anonymous said:

Microsoft should bring back Bob, he was soooo cool.

August 8, 2008 2:32 PM
Donn Author Profile Page said:

Frankly, I'm delighted by this. We can finally put to rest the argument that Apple's success is due to its marketing budget. It must be dwarfed by $300M.

August 8, 2008 3:22 PM
Neil Anderson Author Profile Page said:

It'll take a lot more than $300M for this turkey to fly.

August 10, 2008 10:40 PM

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