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October 31, 2008

macalope

The Macalope Weekly: Scary stuff and do you want some free advice with that free Wi-Fi?

Posted Oct. 31, ’08, 2:47 PM PT by The Macalope
Category | Macalope

Small Children and Pregnant Women May Want To Avert Their Eyes

windowsenderle.jpgHey. Want to see something really scary?

Well, Microsoft gave a first look at Windows 7 this week and if interface looks could kill…

Just like Vista, Windows 7 will apparently be filmed in GlaucomaVision!

To take the scary off, our good pal Rob Enderle provides a light-hearted introduction to this shop of horrors in which things don’t exactly work right.

Now that’s schadenfunny. And it’s a twofer. It makes both Microsoft and Enderle look bad. Rob stays a champ, though, and refuses to mention the A-word. Your evil masters will certainly reward you for that, Rob!

Apart from the failure of the thing to work right, though, the Macalope was also concerned about the ergonomics. Or, more to the point, the lack thereof. Hey, Rob, why don’t you try resizing and editing a hundred photos with your arms extended like that and then tell the Macalope how your shoulders feel?

But remember, Windows is, as Robert Scoble has been fond of saying, about “user scenarios”. For those of you just got off the boat and don’t know what “user scenarios” are, they go a little like this:

User’s elbows are tied together behind the back with duct tape with the hands stuck in a burlap sack full of chiggers. The user’s only means of operating the computer is via the butt cheeks. The user must run a variance analysis of quarterly fixed asset depreciation, including graphs.

See, it doesn’t matter if it’s not realistic. What matters is that you can do it on Windows. It doesn’t matter if you’ll need rotator cuff surgery about 15 minutes after doing it. What matters is that you can do it on Windows.

Ever see those people who’ve been in horrible sky-diving accidents and their arms are in casts sticking straight out from their body? Windows is so going to own that market.

Expensive Coffee, But Free WiFi!

Exciting news, iPhone owners! AT&T is now offering free WiFi at Starbucks and other locations!

Well. That only took 16 months.

And it’s easy! Just join the WiFi network!

Then type in your 10-digit phone number.

And then wait for a text message.

And, uh, finally click the link to actually activate the connection.

OK, that’s not the hardest thing in the world, but it’s not exactly Apple-like in its ease of use. It is, however, very AT&T-like in its ease of use.

To be fair to AT&T, apparently the extra steps are there to keep the riffraff out. Unfortunately, their idea of riffraff—someone using Verizon—and our idea of riffraff—someone using Windows Mobile—aren’t the same. So you still might be surfing next to that guy.

Advice You Can Lose

These certainly are troubling times, what with the horrible way things are going for Apple right now (huh?) and the terrible morass Mac and iPhone users have found themselves in (wha?). What we clearly need is some advice from some kind of area where people are congregated—perhaps a gallery—filled with people who are—and the Macalope admits he’s not completely clear on this point—either eating peanuts or possibly dressed up as peanuts.

First up is former Apple CEO John Sculley, who’s advice to Apple is—and the Macalope is required by law to note that he is not making this up—“stay the course”.

OK, but, uh, John, the road is curving, John. John, John, the road’s turning. John, what do we do?! John! JOHN! Oh, my god, we drove into a ditch.

Well, surely Microsoft’s Rick Rashid can lead Apple’s customers out of this dense forest of style and functionality we find ourselves lost in.

“If you use a Macintosh or an iPhone, which honestly I would not recommend, you would be using code that I wrote more than 25 years ago…”

Or, put another way, “Oh, my god, you guys, do not use anything that I was working on back then! I was so wasted!”

The Macalope knows that the current political environment has made it such that slinging unfounded accusations at your opponent is simply de rigueur. But insinuating that using the Mac OS is somehow dangerous is pretty beyond the pale.

Particularly coming from a guy who pals around with terrorists.

Oh, like that video doesn’t terrorize you.


9 Comments

dizzle said:

OMG that was frickin' hilarious. The Macelope rocks.

And I will be sure to spread that Enderle embarassment. It isn't like he doesn't deserve it because he is so "independant." How the frick can he be described as an independant pundit when it is Dell that butters his bread?

October 31, 2008 7:22 PM
RipRagged Author Profile Page said:

Dear Mr. Macalope,

First, another slam dunk fun post.

More importantly, "who's" is a contraction for "who is;" "whose" is the possessive of "who."

Love from your pal the pedantic a**hole,

Rip

October 31, 2008 9:23 PM
Meerkat said:

Curiously, Vista still uses the good old Windows 3.1 "Add Font" dialog. Anybody know how long ago was that code written?

October 31, 2008 10:59 PM
Follower Author Profile Page said:

In addition to consisting of peanut eaters or Mr. Peanut-style furries, a third possibility is that "peanut gallery" describes a gathering of hideous, mutated legumorphs, or "peanut-men."

November 1, 2008 4:25 PM
Doogie said:

Now Rick Rashid is funny. I mean first he's got to make a point of not recommending the competition. (Duh.) Second, he's been in Redmond so long, he thinks that a product that 25 years old has probably been in a downward spiral the entire time and is due for a big advertising push before it's end of life. What do they put in the Kool-Aid up there?

November 1, 2008 11:47 PM
Dhrakar said:

You know, oh hooved one, you missed another fun aspect of the Windows 7 demo (probably because your hooves don't have at much oil in them as most of us do in our fingers) ... fingerprints. Yep the screen looks to be covered in them (especially when the light hits at an angle). Considering how fond I am of actually being able to see the stuff on my screen I can't imagine letting somebody paw over it. At least the iPhone you can rub off on your pant leg to clean it a bit...

November 2, 2008 7:40 PM
John (not sculley) said:

Come on, sad to see there are still soooo many stupid persons buying pcs and windows. How can't they realize Mac are so much better and cheaper. Don't they want to be part of such a great comprehensive and and open minded community?
Be a mac-guy, come and laugh with us about anything we hear about Win.
Mac is fun

November 3, 2008 5:46 AM
Obvioustroll said:

I was kind of surprised to see Apple hadn't beat HP to a touch interface.


Then I saw a demo machine at Staples.
Well, I kinda saw it.
The fingerprints left it a little blurry.


My bet is that the reason Rob couldn't expand that during the demo was oils from fingers on the screen messed up the ability to read the motion.

I do love how the reporter pointed out this had been done before and then he refused to actually mention Apple by name.

Man, let it go Rob. They haven't taken your advice once and they keep doing better. Stop being bitter about it. Just embrace the fact that as technology punditry go, you may not be 100% accurate. Or 50%. Or 10%.

November 3, 2008 7:15 AM
tanstaafl Author Profile Page said:

I've always thought that a demo goes smoother when the application actually does what you want it to............of course, this could also be a mythological demo as opposed to a real one.

November 3, 2008 7:54 AM

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