News, info, and opinion by Mac users, for Mac users.

April 24, 2007

ihnatko

Ihnatko: Gettin’ that old-time Mac religion

Posted Apr. 24, ’07, 7:02 AM PT by Andy Ihnatko
Category | Ihnatko

Dammit, I think I owe you folks an apology. I re-read the past few months’ worth of my columns recently — ever since North Korea and Iran got nukes, the Library of Congress gets pretty anxious if I don’t keep sending him my latest stuff for safe archiving — and it seems as though I’ve been a true grumpy-britches. Always finding something to complain about.

Which isn’t in itself a bad thing, but I’ve been complaining about Apple. And the one time I did manage to write something upbeat and positive recently, it was (oh, dear) about Windows Vista.

So I have embarked upon a ten-day campaign to directly and effectively evangelize Apple and the Mac OS in my own community:

DAY ONE: I awaken after eleven hours of sleep. I left an AppleScript running on my MacBook that took iSight pictures of me every three minutes as I slept, and spooled them into a time-lapse QuickTime. I check the movie file and although I see myself doing plenty of things that encourage me to use the Secure Delete feature on this thing, I proudly note that at no point did I say, write, or post anything that could have been misconstrued as pro-Microsoft or anti-Apple.

A good start to the ten days. I go back to sleep and nap the whole rest of the day.

DAY TWO: Hmm. I read the technology column in my local city paper: the columnist claims that with the latest update to Windows, Vista is just as good as the Mac OS.

Now this is precisely the sort of challenge I hoped to encounter. I consider emailing the columnist and correcting him, but why risk getting ignored amid a crush of spam when Google makes it so easy to get his home address, directions to his house, and satellite imagery that leaves no doubt as to which is the right place?

DAY THREE: Hooray! Apple is finally building a “landmark” Apple Store here in Boston. I have been to a few Apple Store openings but I’ve always just sort of swanned in through the back door a half hour before the big moment. Not this time! I’m going to be that nut who was first in line, come hell or high water!

I sit in my lawn chair in front of the recently-razed luggage store on Boylston Street for two hours before a cop demands that I move along. I very nearly kiss him: it’s about twenty degrees below freezing, a bunch of mean girls made fun of my face paint, and I had already ran out of sandwiches.

Instead, I leave a quarter on the curb to save my spot, just like when you’re reserving “next up” on a pool table or video game at a bar. I’ll come back in October or something, just to make sure it’s still there.

DAY FOUR: Can’t sleep. Check my to-do list at 2:40 AM and find links to that map and photo of the newspaper columnist’s house, which is just a half-hour drive away. So I burn down his toolshed and throw a rock through the front window with a note wrapped around it reading “You’re Next!”

DAY FIVE: After another ten hours of sleep, I’m starting to have second thoughts about last night. It’s so easy for that sort of thing to be misconstrued. All I meant by the note was “You say you prefer Windows, but you’ll be the next one of the hundreds of thousands of users who’ve switched to the Mac,” and I only left it because nobody answered the door when I knocked.

The door was one of those heavy oak things, and I couldn’t get a thumbtack into it to hold the note there. So I rummaged around his shed looking for a hammer or something, and somehow I knocked over a can of kerosene. Then I accidentally dropped the match that I’d lit to make enough light to see what I’d knocked over.

By the time the flames had spread to his riding mower, the situation had become socially awkward, so I just split, after hastily wrapping the note around the nearest heavy thing and throwing it into his living room where I knew he’d find it.

Oh, well. My heart was in the right place, anyway. I think that’s important.

DAY SIX: Still worried about the arson thing, so I resolve to drive back over there and make amends in some way. I see that the car’s gone from the driveway and all kinds of mail and newspapers are piled up at the front door. Seems like he left for vacation in a big hurry, and forgot to suspend delivery.

Phew! So maybe he left in such haste that he didn’t even notice the shed or the broken glass. I clear the papers and parcels from his front step, so that burglars aren’t tipped off that he’s away. Seems like a friendly thing to do and it makes me feel a little better.

DAY SEVEN: message boards. I listen to three Sting albums to get a good smug going, then start straightening out some of those wicked anti-Mac zealots out there. It’s tough going, because I start off on a Harry Potter fanfic board. I nonetheless manage to address no fewer than twenty-three people as “Ignorant, hypocritical toad-gratifying Nazis” before I’m banninated by the local Thought Police. Haven’t they ever heard of the Third Amendment? Morons.

DAY EIGHT: Viral marketing! That’s what I should be doing! It’s a can’t-miss: I’ll slather every public doorknob, railing, and handgun in Norfolk, Suffolk, and Middlesex counties with the norovirus. Millions of people will spend 72 hours housebound with crippling nausea and lower-gastrointestinal distress, which makes them way more likely to be watching the “Mac Versus PC” commercials on TV than if they were at work or in school.

DAY NINE: Purchased nine 14-ounce cans of norovirus on eBay, at a “buy-it-now” price of $17 each. I’ll be honest: I’m a little bothered by how easy that was.

DAY TEN: I read in today’s newspaper that their technology columnist is in hiding and under police protection. Apparently, some creep has been threatening his life and driving past his house every day! What a world.

Well, I’ll keep picking up his mail and papers for him until he comes back. It feels good to do good. Plus, the new guy they got to replace him seems to be bending over backwards in his first column to explain just how much he loves the Mac and the iPod and everything about Apple.

So all’s well that ends well! This has been a great couple of weeks.


3 Comments

Unimpressed said:

Not funny. Parts are of questionable taste.

April 24, 2007 11:23 AM
David Lambert said:

Thanks for a great laugh, I just had 8 hours of college classes so really needed it. That was one of the funniest things that I've read in a month or so.

April 24, 2007 6:01 PM
mdmunoz said:

Questioning the wisdom of Andy Inhatko will result in the burning of garages.

"Unimpressed." Sounds like a toad-gratifying Nazi name if I've ever heard one.

April 24, 2007 9:33 PM

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