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September 28, 2006

ihnatko

Ihnatko: Harsh Words for Windows

Posted Sep. 28, ’06, 10:00 AM PT by Andy Ihnatko
Category | Ihnatko

Recently, Steve Jobs announced the resumption of the great Cold War between Windows and Mac OS. When Steve previewed the next rev of the Mac OS, it was an explicit attack upon everything Windows is and everything that it promises to be in 2007. Where once, those clever “I’m a Mac… I’m a PC” commercials demonstrated a relationship based on mutual compatibility and respect, the latest one shows the PC speaking with quiet pride to the viewer about its infrastructure for enterprise database development, oblivious to the fact that off in the background, the Mac is making shameless, ambitious love to the PC’s wife right on the studio floor.

Indeed: ouch. But personally, this shift couldn’t have come at a better time, for I have never been more ready to reclaim the sword and shield of Windows hatred.

Normally, I use Macs for 75% of my day-to-day stuff and only dip into Windows when I’m learning about a new bit of software or hardware, or need to do something that can’t be done on a Mac…or if a Windows machine is simply the handiest keyboard. But for the past few months, Windows has had to be a 50-50 partner. My next book, due out in November (iPod: Fully Loaded; oh, aren’t you a dear for asking) is as much about PCs as it is about Macs.

Yes, on a daily basis, I had cause to remember that the word for the act of throwing something through a window is “defenestrate,” and that the ten-syllable obscene compound gerund that describes a male offspring of a female dog who, in turn, engages in coitus with her own mother and has been forsaken by the Lord Himself is… well, decorum prevents me.

“When you get past the schoolyard mentality and the stupid, ignorant prejudices,” you have heard people say, “what we have are two different operating systems that each work very, very well. Really, it’s not a matter of good or bad. It’s just a matter of personal preference.”

Those are very wise words. I have said much the same thing. But what I’ve endured over the past few months is the equivalent of a weeklong road trip with someone whose company you’ve always enjoyed, but never really known as a true friend. Windows has propped its bare smelly feet up on my dashboard and told me the story about how he was so hung over during his aunt’s funeral that he threw up into the coffin a little. His greasy hair has left smears on the inside of the window that no solvent can shift. He just sort of assumed that he could use my iPod, and during the one time he took a turn at the wheel, the battery was completely flat and I had to listen the story about the funeral a second time.

So I’m not saying that my fond regards won’t return in time. But I’m going to have to spend a few weeks alone first.

In the meantime, how do I hate Windows? Let me count the ways:

In Windows, plug-and-play is an implication, not a promise.

All too often, getting a PC to properly acknowledge and configure a common thing like a USB network adapter means having to grab the cable by the PC end in a firm pinch and then squeezing the electrons over to the peripheral one by one, and declaring victory when Windows finally announces that it has detected a generic USB device but doesn’t have a driver for it.

The only thing that’s consistent about Windows user interfaces is that they all blow.

Yes, throw an over-ripe tomato at the side of a white van and the result will be a far simpler and more intuitive interface for moving music files onto a portable player than what the developers of Windows Media Player came up with. Here, I’ll plug in my portable music player. See? WMP is now copying songs to the device. That’s nice, but please explain to me why I’m looking at two active buttons, shown side-by-side in two separate panes of the same window, reading “Sync Now” and “Stop Sync.”

As Mac users, we haven’t had enough exposure to wretched software design to develop any natural antibodies, and for this, we envy our brethren in the Windows community. We truly, truly do.

The malware situation is completely out of hand.

Let’s not get cocky here. Although the number of current Mac viruses can be counted on the fingers of one hand of a man who once said to himself “You know, I bet this table saw could cut much faster if I took off that pesky safety guard,” the Mac OS is not without security vulnerabilities. But operating a PC without buying some serious and up-to-date antivirus protection is absolutely inconceivable. It’s a mortal danger to you, every PC on your network, and the hardware of everybody in your address book.

The annual fees to keep your antivirus software hip to the latest virus definitions aren’t exorbitant. Still, it rankles that I have to pay five bucks a month to defend myself against attacks that shouldn’t be happening to begin with. It all sounds like something that Joe Pesci’s character in “Goodfellas,” or perhaps the cellphone industry, would have thought up.

Microsoft doesn’t know how to name things.

Apple product names are either perfectly descriptive (“iMovie”) or non-descriptive but also non-confusing (“iPod”).

Microsoft either keeps complicating a product name until you feel as though you should douse it with Malathion to keep it from spreading further (“Microsoft Windows Media Center Edition 2005 Service Pack 2”) or else they take something straightforward like “Windows Live” (which is what they call their Internet offerings) and bankrupt it of all meaning by sticking it on dozens and dozens of only vaguely-related products and services.

PCs are compatible with the fantastic Slingbox home-media broadcaster and (at this writing) my Mac isn’t.

This is in no way a fair complaint about Windows, but I’m on a roll.

Keeping Windows running and stable is like maintaining a pair of underpants.

Ideally, you could just patch the holes and tears and thin spots as you go, but deep down you know that you’re just staving off the inevitable. The thing is designed to be used it until it no longer has any structural integrity whatsoever, at which point you’ll have to toss the whole thing.

It’s just a fundamental truth of Windows. A once-stable OS installation slowly grinds itself to pieces over time. Hour after hour, week after week, hundreds of bits of poorly-designed software each leave their individual dings, scratches, and fingerprints in the system directory. Unless you’re fairly knowledgeable and extremely aggressive about preventative maintenance, the only truly successful solution is a clean re-install.

I’ve got some good friends who are top Windows experts and I’m no slouch myself (dammit)…yet many of the PCs that I’m loaned for review purposes don’t even stay 100% operational for the 30 to 60 days I have ‘em. Here’s a notebook that three weeks later, keeps tabbing itself to another window without warning. A desktop that is suddenly fully-functional except for the trivial matter of actually showing anything on any monitor. Another notebook which takes (no joke) nine minutes to wake from hibernation.

And I’ve had problems with Macs, too. But it’s an uncanny syndrome with Windows.

Every new PC comes pre-loaded with useless junk.

Apple pre-installs some software on new Macs, but it’s either terrific free stuff (like iLife) or demo apps that don’t bother you if you don’t use them.

Thirty days after you unpacked a new PC, it starts. The DVD decoder starts asking you if you want to now purchase the optional super DVD decoder. The antivirus app tells you that your subscriptions are out of date and you need to provide a credit-card number. There was some kind of branded media player that you never launched even once, and it continues to throw popups in your face every five minutes despite your yelling at the screen every time it happens.

Yes, your user experience has now turned into Pledge Week at your local public television station…and you didn’t even get to see a Monty Python marathon first.

Macs are just plain cooler, that’s all.

…But here, I suddenly stop.

Rationality returns. My pent-up anger and frustration evaporate, replaced by a normal, and quite sensible, belief that although Macs are indeed my favorite computers, people should use whatever works best for them.

What shocks me back into reality? A sudden memory from a couple of weeks ago, when I came across the official personal website of Justin Guarini.

You know…the guy who came in second during the first season of “American Idol.” The one who looks like Sideshow Bob from “The Simpsons,” and who sings like a yard-sale painting of a teary-eyed clown on brown velvet.

Yeah, he built the site in iWeb.

If I’m a member of the same user community as that guy, then clearly, I shouldn’t go throwing stones.


9 Comments

Stacey said:

I'd love to see that commercial!

September 28, 2006 1:23 PM
Peter said:

I've only seen it at the Apple Store in Amsterdam.

September 28, 2006 4:39 PM
Andy Lee said:

And don't forget Rush Limbaugh, besides being a big fat liar, is a big Mac fan.

September 28, 2006 5:13 PM
John Anthony Evans said:
If I’m a member of the same user community as that guy, then clearly, I shouldn’t go throwing stones.

Perhaps you could throw the stones at him?

September 29, 2006 4:44 AM
ro said:

[...looks like Sideshow Bob...sings like a yard-sale painting...]

To be fair, it appears that Justin Guarini got a haircut & no longer looks like Sideshow Bob. Otherwise, your article is right on target.

September 29, 2006 1:51 PM
Rom Hunter said:

I don't know much about Slingbox, but as of your writing (yesterday) they do seem to support Mac OS X. It's right on the front page.

September 29, 2006 2:11 PM
Greg said:

"Every new PC comes pre-loaded with useless junk."

I hate to say this, but Macs are starting to get the useless junk with iWork and MS Office trials preinstalled on every Mac.

September 29, 2006 2:49 PM
Yojimbo said:

Pretty dismal fanboy stuff - well, it would have to have been to have impressed know-nothing John Gruber, who linked here.

Being "loyal" to an OS is just stupid. The truth of the matter is not that both companies do OK, but that both MS and Apple deserve a good kicking for many matters.

On security: If you're worried about security on Windows, don't, for goodness' sake, run as admin all the time. It's a stupid practice. I do run OS X as admin, since there even on admin accounts you still need to authenticate for most things. But even that is questionable practice. Bottom line: Don't do stupid things and then moan when you get burnt.

As for Apple's security attitude - they're slower to patch than the Linux (know what that is?) vendors as statistics show and researchers have even pointed out there are holes in OS X that were patched in other Unix-based systems *10 to 15* years ago. If Apple had the market share Windows has compromises would be pretty routine.

That OEMs put too much 3rd-party software on machines is an important point. Well done for raising the matter. IMO, people would be wise to start looking for OEMs that don't do this - even if it costs a little more.

And yes you're right about iWeb. It is an atrocious piece of software. Has there ever been a software tool that produces less "semantic" HTML? It doesn't seem even to understand and use the "p" tag.

September 30, 2006 6:55 AM
Martin Hill said:

I'm with you Andy, whenever I sit down at my Windows XP Dell for longer than a few minutes, I start twitching and having to restrain sudden impulses to defenestrate said equipment with attitude.

Some of my uber frustrations include:

Windows XP is Nag-ware.

Why do we have to be bombarded with soo many useless pop-up messages all the time. I don't need to be told that Windows detected my USB mouse or keyboard that I just plugged in - they should just quietly start working immediately! What possible reason should it pop up with a message telling me what I know I just did?? Perhaps it is because it takes so long to detect such things in the first place unlike certain other OSes. Who had the idea of requiring a trip to a pop-up menu to select and then eject a USB thumbdrive.

Why do drives still have A, B, C, D, E etc letters instead of human-understandable names?!! Why are so many files still named with such cryptic 8.3 conventions. Are we in the 21st century or still back in the 80's?

Why do I continually get pop-ups telling me my anti-virus software is not up to date when I bl**dy well know it is.

Why do the windows of programs fill my entire 24" LCD screen when I maximise them? Very frustrating when the contents of that window are sitting up in the top corner with an acre of white space hiding everything else on screen.

For that matter, why do I have to dig through so many hierarchical menus to find programs from the Start Menu. Why do they not flippin' appear in alphabetical order in the Programs menu?!

Why do I have to drop down to DOS and run "ipconf /all" just to find out what the MAC address of my ethernet card is?!!

Why do I have to set options like "auto-restarting after power outage" in a horrible text-based bios screen rather than a nice control panel? What's with this bios garbage anyway - hasn't anyone heard of Intel's EFI? Of course Apple has, but no, Vista has dropped that feature from the list too.

Why do I have to dig into the Registry to delete entries and files out of the system32 directory when deleting some programs?

Why do I have to restart the blasted PC after changing the name of the computer for goodness sake? The flippin' name of the computer?!! For that matter why do so many software updates require restarts of the entire system?

Why do we have to jump through so many hoops to get our Windows 2003 server to see greater than 2 Terabytes on directly attached storage - Our Mac servers have no problems, but unless our Windows sysadmins format the volume as GPT on a 64bit windows box, then connect it back to the 32bit Windows server they can't get Windows to see it. Get rid of MBR - it's ancient cruft!

Why can't you do 32bit and 64bit elegantly in the one OS without performance and driver compatibility issues?

Why do so many menus not show their full contents requiring me to stop and wait for the rest of the menu to appear or dig into preferences or tools or settings or options or some equally impenetrable menu to turn off such stupidity. How many millions of man-years have been wasted around the world waiting for the full set of menu commands to materialise?

How could the world possibly have put us with this dogs breakfast called Windows for so many years?!!

Now there ARE things about Mac OS X that make me frustrated as well, but it is like night and day in comparison. OS X doesn't nag, it gets out of the way, things are in logical locations and it feels elegant and modern - you never see a crappy 8bit chunky bitmap and command line stuff when it boots.

And now it seems that Vista only makes so much of this worse - 5 dialogs and user authentication actions required just to delete a shortcut from the desktop for crying out loud!!!

Phew! Well that was cathartic - thanks for the opportunity to vent. :-)

-Mart

October 2, 2006 7:19 AM

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