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June 8, 2007

humor

Dan’s top secret WWDC predictions: shave and a haircut, eight bits

Posted Jun. 8, ’07, 9:53 AM PT by Dan Moren
Category | Apple » Humor

Uncle SteveIn preparing this year’s WWDC predictions, I was tempted to revisit some prognostications of the past, but pah!—what good is it dredging up ancient history? Just like the stock boys say, “prior performance is no guarantee of future results.” In fact, I’m thinking of making that my family motto.

Let’s instead look ahead: to the future. When His Excellency, Steve Jobs, King of all Macistan and the Duchy of iPodovia takes the stage Monday morning, what wonders and enchantments will he conjure forth from within the black sleeves of his traditional turtlenecked garment? I’ve communed with the currents that run through the earth itself to bring you the future—three days early. Call it a miracle—call it MiracleWhip, if you must—but I warn you not to doubt my powers.

Leopard

We know it’s coming. Developers are the cornerstone of WWDC; remove them, and you have merely a pale imitation of a wrestling league or, apparently, Walla Walla College. Now, while much of Leopard has been revealed previously, we’ve still been promised some Top Secret features, and on that front Steve is prepared to deliver like the postmaster general himself.

The truth of the matter is that these features have been kept concealed for goo reason: they’re simply that powerful. Imagine, for example, that you your computer could serve as a mean for defense against rogue regimes. That’s right—we’re talking deterrence, complete with first- and second-strike capabilities. Leopard’s MissileShield protects you from all sort of incoming nasties, like ICBMs, submarine-based nukes, and even the occasional WBMD (that’s Water Balloon of Mass Destruction). Through the darkest occult means, I’ve managed to obtain a picture of MissileShield in action:

MissileShield

Sure, it looks simple, but looks can be deceiving. After all, Apple is the master of simple and elegant solutions. But I assure you, this is technology that Windows users could only dream of. Okay, there are some lingering issues to be worked out with Russia, but I’m sure Steve’ll smooth things over.

There are more advances in Leopard, but I’m worried that even if I reported them here as ideas that happened to come to me in the midst of my deepest dreaming, I would be hauled away by the impeccably dressed legions of be-T-shirted Apple employees and thrown into that inescapable white room where they keep the smug skinny kid and portly bumbling fellow.

iPhone

I know WWDC is all about the developers, but if you think Steve Jobs’s is going to drone on an hour of geek talk about ZFS and CoreAnimation, then you’re nuttier than a room full of Jericho fans. There’ll be iPhone news—you can bet your house (or, in my case, the doll house I stole from that kid down the street) on it.

Here, however, I think that we might encounter a rare Steve Jobs misstep. The spirits tell me that the vanishing mystery app will at last be revealed, but it won’t be what you expected: no GPS, no iChat, not even so much as a widget that will countdown to the iPhone’s own release date (as deliciously meta as that would have been).

No, the missing button will instead lead to a way for you to phone home. Unfortunately, I’ve heard that the interface for the app is extremely un-Apple like, to the point of incomprehensibility. I’ve snagged a shot below:

Phone Home

I’m not sure, but I think the hunchback is out to prevent you from phoning home (which, I believe, is represented by that squashed version of the old Apple logo in the bottom left). I think the strain may have been too much for Steve-o; it looks like he’s snapped.

One more thing…

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Jobsnote with that signature phrase in it, but the mystical energy field says that Monday’s the day. And it’s what you’ve all been waiting for: new hardware. With the help of a spirit guide, I projected myself onto the astral plane just far enough forward to catch the tail-end of the keynote.

“People have been expecting us to come out with a sub-portable,” Steve will say, with that little crooked half-smile of his. “Something like a MacBook mini. [pause as crowd begins to cheer] But we hate to do what people expect of us. What if I told you that we’ve developed the smallest most compact computer in the world…and I’m using it right now. In fact, it’s been running this whole presentation.” With the barest of pauses, Steve will reach up and slowly remove one half of his glasses, revealing that he’s actually been wearing a monocle.

“Meet the iGlass. Today, we’re saying goodbye to the notebook form factor and ushering in the era of monocle-based computing. The iGlass runs the best operating system in the world—OS X—with an industry first, LED-backlit fully 8-bit display, truly capable of displaying millions of colors.” On cue, a rainbow bounds forth from the screen, dazzling the audience with a blinding spectrum of colors.

“And we’ve got all the latest wireless technologies: Bluetooth, Wi-Fi, HSDPA. Holographic virtual storage, and an ocular interface that we call Multi-Look. Let me show you how it works…”

But that was all I could see before my spirit guide (Flippy the porpoise) ripped me back into the present with a massive hangov—er, headache. Right.

I certainly don’t think the spirits would lie to me, so I’m sure we’ll see all of these innovations and much much more at Monday’s keynote. I fully expect Apple’s stock to be trading at over eleventy-billion dollars by the close of market Monday. You heard it here first.


6 Comments

Walt said:

I already posted my predictions (interpreted: wishes) for WWDC on my blog yesterday. In sum, touch-screen iPods. Come on, we all know they are coming. That little “slip”in the Apple documentation last November was not a “typo.” A typo would be “skreen.” Or possibly “seen.” Or maybe “spleen.” NOT “touch-screen.” It’s just a matter of time before it gets released. Now would be just a good a time as any to start them. Maybe better. I go into why on my blog. My other prediction is redesigned iMacs. They have not been updated like the rest of the computers. Why? Perhaps a redesign is in order, and will be presented to us. Of course the usual stuff: iPhone SDK, Leopard & iApps (yes, released together methinks).

June 8, 2007 10:04 AM
Donn said:

Some mention (or was it inference) was made based on the whole All Things Digital-fest that improvements were coming for .mac. How about considering .mac subscriptions as a sort of perpetual upgrade subscriptions, and give Leopard to the current .mac account holders for free?

"Look, we know that .mac has sucked lately. So we're going to offer Leopard free to current subscribers as a thank you for sticking with it, and for non-subscribers, Leopard is a $99 upgrade which includes .mac for one year."

This would at least get a lot of people to pony up immediately for .mac, knowing their $99 would get them Leopard in October anyway.

June 8, 2007 1:07 PM
wesg Author Profile Page said:

I really do hope there is "one more thing..."

June 8, 2007 1:11 PM
Thomas GvL Author Profile Page said:

'Jericho' fans assail CBS with 25 tons of peanuts
The network apparently has been impressed by the display of viewer passion, which included the delivery of 50,000 pounds of peanuts to its New York offices. [...] There's already been one positive outcome: CBS is donating the protest peanuts to charities, including one that sends care packages to troops overseas.

Haha, this is awesome! We need to remember that if Apple ever upsets us...

June 8, 2007 3:00 PM
Leo said:

No Bingo this time? Where is John Siracusa and his Bingo cards? A keynote is not a Keynote without bingo cards, let me tell you.

June 8, 2007 6:27 PM
Marcos said:

Fantastic reference to the E.T. game for Atari. I actually won this game as a kid - I don't know how. THere was a baseball and a rabbit icon involved and ... I'm not even sure I had the manual but somehow, someway, I got E.T. home. Truly a bewildering game.

As far as WWDC - for real, who knows what'll happen. I doubt much in the way of iPhone revelations... but surely we'll here about the "secret" Leopard features.

June 8, 2007 7:13 PM

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