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September 4, 2007

humor

Dan’s prediction? The beat stops here.

Posted Sep. 4, ’07, 1:49 PM PT by Dan Moren
Category | Apple » Humor

The beat stops here.As with every day preceding a Steve Jobs Keynote, the Internet is alive with rumors and speculation. And, as per usual, most of these so-called predictions are nothing more than Ouija-board-induced ramblings that are no more likely to come true than I am to suddenly complete my life’s dream of writing, directing and starring in a production of Ingmar Bergman’s Weekend at Bernie’s III (because there were just so many unanswered questions from the first two installments).

But I think we can all agree that when it comes to predictions, I have a unique record of what I like to call uniquity. Anybody can predict things that turn out to be true; it’s just a matter of odds. But predicting things that nobody else is predicting? That, my friends, takes real talent.

In the announcement sent out by Apple last week to promote tomorrow’s special event, there was a picture of a dancing iPod silhouette couched in a Cover Flow-esque layout, subtitled with the words “The beat goes on,” a reference to either the final press release issued by the Beatles or a hit single by Sonny & Cher, leading some to believe that this either marks the long-awaited appearance of The Beatles on the iTunes Store, or that Steve Jobs has finally successfully achieved his long-standing goal to reanimate the late Sonny Bono.

None of the above, I say.

When Steve Jobs takes the stage tomorrow, it will be for a very different reason: to proclaim the death of the iTunes Store. “We are here,” reads a copy of Jobs’s remarks obtained exclusively by MacUser, “to say goodbye to a very dear friend.”

“The beat goes on,” Jobs will say, “means that even though the iTunes Store will have shuffled off this mortal coil, technological musical innovation will continue—just as the Beatles’ final press release said that life would continue despite the fact that the Beatles had broken up.”

Apple’s long had a history of killing off its products at the apex of their success, and the iTunes Store is no different. More than four years after its launch, the store still commands a vast majority of the digital download market, and its brand identity is unparalleled in the field. But differences of opinion with content providers like Universal Music and NBC have shown that not everybody wishes to be part of the happy, shiny future.

Jobs is expected to preside over an official funeral of iTunes, just as he laid OS 9 to rest in a coffin when it reached its end of life. Instead of a burial, however, iTunes will be burned on a pyre in Viking style, as per its last requests. In a surprise move, Jobs will then produce a 5.5G iPod and toss it onto the bier next to the merrily blazing iTunes. “As iTunes goes, so goes the iPod.”

And, as with OS 9 before it, the death of the iTunes Store and iPod naturally means their succession by something even better. “A very wise woman once said, ‘There’s more to see than can ever be seen,’” Jobs will say, raising his eyes to the heavens and giving an enigmatic smile, “‘more to do than can ever be done.’ It’s the circle of life.”

For years, he’ll explain, the record companies have insisted Apple implement a subscription model, and so they’ve finally decided to do so. But, in typical Apple style, they’ve done it their way. “Because you already own all your favorite songs…in your head.” With a flourish, Jobs will whip off the black sheet covering the table by his side to reveal…nothing. “Welcome, to the iMagination.”

The iMagination has been in the works for years at Apple. The completely invisible, intangible system allows you to play back any song you’ve ever heard, even once, in your head with perfect fidelity: no compression needed. And it’s tied into Apple’s new store, the iMaginarium. A yearly fee of just $99 will allow you to play back any song once, thus downloading it into your head forever. “The record companies want to charge you more for catchy songs that get stuck in your head, but our watchword is simplicity. A flat fee of $99 a year for all the music you’ll ever want.” And, as per Apple’s commitment to dropping Digital Rights Management, every song will be totally free of any sort of copying restrictions. “You can sing, hum, or even whistle it to your friends, with no fear of repercussions. And if they have an iMagination, they can play it back forever too.”

Jobs fully expects to be unpopular with record companies after the launch of the iMaginarium, but he’s not particularly worried about it. “This is the future, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from history, and from the X-Files movie, you can’t fight the future.”

At the conclusion of the event, Jobs will explain the significance of the special Wednesday announcement. “There’s a reason we chose to announce this today, September 5th. It’s the birthday of one of the most talented composers of our age: John Cage. We think John would have appreciated the iMagination. And now, I’d like to show you our new ad.” With that, Jobs will display a completely black screen while Cage’s 4’33” plays in entirety in the background. At the end of the ad pops up one phrase, stark white against the black background:

“The beat stop here.”


5 Comments

Anonymous said:

Boy, listen to your mon. Don't forget to take your medicine in the morning after breakfast. Not doing so could cause alucinations ...

September 4, 2007 2:49 PM
Eduardo said:

Dude, you had me until about the 10th paragraph.

Anyway, this article did make me chuckle.

e.

September 4, 2007 3:51 PM
krye said:

iTunes 8 with HD
wide screen nanos, 16G flash
wide screen, multitouch video iPod, flash, Wi-Fi

September 4, 2007 4:16 PM
Anonymous said:

I predict the exact opposite. The music industry will get a law passed requiring everyone to forget a song completely once they've heard it. Anyone caught humming or whistling any song released after 1923 will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!

September 4, 2007 6:10 PM
Wes Harden said:

Dan, you are on to something here.

krye- i didnt know this was the "heres my keynote predictions" thread. yours kinda came out of nowhere and it was immensely awkward.

but you have inspired me.

Beatles
iTunes 8 HD video
Nanos use interface from pulled videos except its polished and brings back the standard apple myriad font thats featured in current ipods. tops out at 16 gigs. 9to5mac.com photos were real.
Multitouch iPod. runs a specialized osx for ipod like the iphone.

and then

Jobs welcomes Woz to the stage and they start phreak prank phone calling with an iphone hooked up to a bluebox. Woz exites stage right on a segway with an ipod adapter and 12 inch speakers in the wheels.

Jobs announces he will be stepping down to let Paul Allen come over from Redmond to run the company.

Paul gets up from the audience, crying with joy and surprised, "they like me, they really really like me!"

as he starts his acceptence speech, jobs comes up from behind and whacks paul in the head with the days final product release.

"behold, the iBat. Superior leverage in nuetralizing annoying CEOs that talk a lot of shit they made up."

Thunderous Fanfare.

"what, did you think i was that stupid?"

September 5, 2007 7:10 AM

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