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August 6, 2006

events

Dan’s uber-serious WWDC predictions

Posted Aug. 6, ’06, 9:23 AM PT by Dan Moren
Category | Apple » Events

Prognost-o-MaticAs I gaze into my Prognost-o-Matic, I see all nature of things. Secrets of the very universe, are revealed to my gaze as though a curtain has been drawn aside on life itself. Admittedly, some of the things that makes themselves known are of questionable authenticity, but I trust this magic oracle not to deceive me. Thus, I present to you, my WWDC predictions.

Mac-o-rama: The Mac Pro name is just not doing it for me. I predict Steve will come out with something far flashier. While I like “Mac-o-rama,” signs indicate that other strong contenders include “Mac & Cheese” and “Knick Knack Paddy Mac.” The machine will have five processors, an unprecedented feat of engineering, and will be available in Autobot and Decepticon models.

True lickable iPod: It’s often said that Apple’s hardware is “lickable,” and they’ll embrace this philosophy by releasing an iPod that operates entirely on a lick-based interface. Broad licks will scroll through the iPod’s track listing, while short precise licks will let you switch to new tracks, rate songs, and toggle the new game “Name that song…by taste.” Finally, Steve Jobs will make that obsolete by immediately releasing a “no-lick” iPod that lets you control the music player by licking in the air immediately above it.

iTunes Grocery Store: Got a craving for pickled-flavored ice cream that can’t be met by your local convenience store? No problem. The iTunes Grocery Store will let you download whatever food your heart desires, provided, of course that it’s American cuisine. Other cuisines will be coming later, though don’t hold your breath for Mexican. Dishes will be priced at $9.99 apiece, with appetizers costing $4.99 and drinks $1.99. Sharing of dishes is strictly prohibited. A subscription model won’t be introduced: “People want to own their food, not rent it,” says Steve.

Leopard: We already know Leopard is coming, but what won’t be anticipated is some of its blockbuster features. For example, Spotlight 2.0 will allow searching via an actual light. Merely point a flashlight at the screen and wave it around until your file appears. Automator’s functions will increase as well, allowing users to automate everything on their machine, including answering emails your boss sends you. Finally, the Finder will be declared finally found, and will be ditched in favor of an application that panders to today’s youth by letting you navigate your machine’s hierarchy via text message-like syntax, such as: GO 2 MY FAV FOTOS. OMG!!!!

Finally, since Leopard’s release is imminent, Steve will hint at the development of 10.6 Onza, and announce as “One more thing…” that Apple will now be switching to SPARC processors.

So, those are my predictions for this year. I feel pretty good about them. I may have some minor details off here and there, but I think the basics are quite solid—I’d bet on them. In fact, I already have. So don’t let me down, Steve. My future is riding on this.


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Comments

Thanks so much for the inside info! I'll be the first to get B-I-N-G-O this year!

Although, I must say that I think Apple will take a note from MOTO and call it the KNKKNKPTYMC(that's Knick Knack Paddy Mac in english) to get up-to-date and attract all the kiddies.

Posted by: Dan--the man [TypeKey Profile Page] | August 6, 2006 10:30 AM

...and I'm also going with 10.7 Andean Mountain Cat

Posted by: Dan--the man [TypeKey Profile Page] | August 6, 2006 10:31 AM

Dan, were you hungry when you wrote this? You made food references in nearly every paragraph.

Posted by: Derik [TypeKey Profile Page] | August 6, 2006 2:25 PM

Hmm, I was eating lunch.

Posted by: Dan [TypeKey Profile Page] | August 6, 2006 8:11 PM

dan,

will there be a little tracker in the itunes grocery store that will tell you that you're "buying groceries that don't fit with your musical tastes"?

for instance, say you have a ton of sarah mclachlan in your playlist, and you buy a steak dinner. a message will pop saying, "based on your playlist and the amount of sarah mclachlan, this purchase doesn't fit with your musical tastes. maybe a nice vegetable medly would be better for you."

Posted by: sal | August 7, 2006 9:49 AM

Now you're getting with it. I'm also envision a Celebrity Recipes section, where celebrities can create meals made out of their favorite dishes. Now you can eat what George Clooney is eating. Literally. What he is eating. Right now.

Posted by: Dan [TypeKey Profile Page] | August 7, 2006 1:42 PM

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