Using the word “prediction” is a bit ludicrous here. You see, after the WWDC debacle, I don’t do predictions any more. I deal only in cold, hard fact. And so it is that I can tell you that, according to my sources deep deep within the Fortress of Solitude known as 1 Infinite Loop Drive, you’re about to have your socks forcibly removed by today’s special Apple event.
You see, this “Showtime” thing—it’s a scam. Misdirection. Flimflam. Hogwash. Sure, everybody’s poised for the iTunes Movie Store. Whee! Woo hoo! Digital movies on demand.
Rubbish.
Downloadable movies are so short-sighted. By next year we’d all be issuing the bored, eye-rolling sighs so common among the 19th century upper classes, whilst fanning ourselves in our lavishly equipped digital parlors and saying things like “I do declare!” No, the future that Steve Jobs is going to discuss today isn’t movies.
It’s shoes.
Look, it’s an easy mistake to make. Those invitations that Apple sent out the other week? Well, the ‘W’ key is right next to the ‘E’ key. Yeah, that’s right. It was supposed to say “It’s shoe time,” but someone forgot to proofread the final copies (that guy’s going to miss today’s show, as he’s been invited on an all-expenses-paid trip to Steve’s remote island hideaway, where he will be the main attraction in a hunt for the world’s most dangerous animal—man). The missing space between “shoe” and “time?” That I can’t explain, but it smacks of conspiracy.
Anyway, Steve will reputedly enter the Yerba Buena Center barefoot, foregoing his usual comfy sneakers. He’ll then demonstrate Apple’s new technology for bringing shoes to the living room, the bedroom, the kitchen—any room you want. Wirelessly.
After all, how many times have you been stuck sitting on the sofa—watching movies no less—only to have the dog (or small child) bound over to you and beg to be taken out for a walk/ice cream? And then had to fumble for the light switch and try to remember just where you left your shoes?
No more. Meet Apple’s latest innovation: ShoePort Extremely Express Pro.
To protect my sources, I can’t divulge everything about the ShoePort Extremely Express Pro (or SHEEP). But I can tell you this: the Nike + iPod deal was just the beginning. My information also indicates that the ShoePort Extremely Express has dual boot support built-in. No more waiting for that other shoe to drop.
So stay tuned for the event at 10AM Pacific/1PM Eastern. Because mark my words: this show is made for walking.
Huh? What tha?